2016 is going to be an interesting year. I'm in the throws of a turning tide in my life (not to be dramatic or anything). But I've just sensed the past 2 years has been a preparation for this time. What time? I really can't say. All I know is that I feel a transformation happening within me. Not the kind of 'floo-powder' transformation - temporary, momentarily purposeful and self-imposed. It is the kind of change that's like when your legs fall asleep and you get up and you slowly feel the tingling take over your toes, creep up your leg and you don't want to move because you're not sure if you can handle what's next if you do. And yes, I know some of you will just have all the eye rolls to give. Some of you have eye-rolled so hard you might as well take a nap. Lol. I know I sound like some hippy ohming on the floor on a yoga mat (which, btdubs. no one should hate unless you've given the practice a good ol' college try. Feel free to ask me how I reconcile my faith with yoga. I think it's possible. Not easy. But possible). But you be you. Imma be me.
So why am I telling cyberspace this? Because I was just inspired to. No particular reason. It's been awhile since I've let the click of the keyboard be for more than emails and writing up work-related word docs.
Anyway, my post is a cheat. In the effort to just gear up my blog posting once again with little effort on the onset, I'm re-posting something I've put online before. Occasionally, I peruse the dusty old archives of my Facebook and recently, I revisited my "Notes" page. Some things date back to some OLD SCHOOL dayzzzzzz!!!!!! What I noticed was a burst of creative writing energy between 2009-2012. I don't think it's a coincidence that those years were some of the most critically formative years of my life thus far. Is it uncanny to feel that same surge of creativity returning as I sense this season of transformation unfolding in my life? I think not.
All I know is that I've called three of those years a golden age of growth in my relationship with God. A season of just hungering ravenously for time with him. A season of peace and contentment in life because I was so sure of his presence and guidance in my life. A season of personal growth and development.
This older post is a bit emo, but it was written March 22, 2009. If my memory serves me correctly that was an incredibly sobering time in my life, marked by a poorly chosen romantic relationship, compounded by desperation and character development that was so lacking because of unchecked sin and flaming idols that consumed all of my attention. I was watching my world tailspin into a direction I never thought I would have to consider as an option for my life. I know I'm being vague, but really it's something I tend to share only as the Lord leads. Some of you know what I'm talking about. If you feel compelled to ask you are more than welcome to. In hindsight, I was a month away from what I can only explain to this day as a miracle and a second chance at a life that I think God wanted me to take seriously.
Anyway, remaining the open book that I tend to be, enjoy the small window into my past.
May it bless you and your own mental ponderings.
=====
It's
not too late, but late enough to be the wee hours in the morning. Haha
can't beat me watching Robin Williams in "In the Actors' Studio" till
5am in the morning yesterday. Don't judge me. It was fun. I don't know
if it's just me being an overly emotional female, but nonetheless I have
something to vent about.
In the past few days I've been thinking
a LOT about friendships, the dynamics of relationships, their goods and
their bads. More importantly I've thought about how I've treated mine,
how much I've messed them up, and how much they've been essential to my
maturity as an individual.
I can only thank the grace of God
which manifests itself in the particular friendships that have been my
most cherished relationships in my life thus far. These people know me
literally inside and out. They've seen the worst of me. They know my
deep dark secrets. They know what I look like in my pajamas, without the
done up hair, the smell goods, and the eyeliner. They've been beneath
the surface of my pretend-perfect-no-mess-ups life.
I've learned
a lot from them. Awesome things. Great, and hilariously fun things.
They've taught me how to make jewelry, where all the cool spots are.
They've stayed late nights with me doing homework, studying for tests,
eating pizza at 4am in the morning. They are the people I can have deep,
soul-searching conversations with and even disagree upon, but laugh and
smile with the next day.
On the flip side, I have probably
learned the most painful, life-altering, character-building lessons from
those very same people. As old-school and cliche as it seems, your
actions really do speak louder than your words. I've learned, that
especially in the name of Christ, how our lives speak to other people is
quite important. To those who you hold most dear, your life is
especially magnified, and I had friends who were bold enough to let me
know when my words did not quite line up with my actions. They were also
bold enough to tell me what, when, and why choices I made were selfish
and had managed to put them in the crossfire, hurting them deeply.
Some
of the most wonderful friendships in my life have been shredded to bits
because of this. Some are only poor excuses for the kind of bonds we
had in the past. Our endless evenings of laughter, and priceless moments
of just being have turned into an awkward hello when our paths cross,
or random conversations here and there. The worst are the moments when
you remember what it was, as you look them in the face and wish it could
be so once again. Alas, I believe that the Lord "gives and takes"
according to the specific trajectory he has in mind for each of us. Only
He knows best, and for what reason things or people happen to step
into, or fall away from our lives.
The last I can say is that
I've realized that I've become somewhat of a relational nomad. Save for
one or two people who've been consistently present in my life, I don't
really have a nest to fly home to. Or perhaps what's more accurate is
that those nests have always been there, and I've not chosen to come
enjoy it as often as I can. It's a naive thing for anyone to think that
just because you consider them your closest buds, that you can disappear
from their sphere of influence and return as though nothing will have
changed. Life moves forward, and I've learned that people invest and
make time for those who invest and make time for them. If you disappear
for too long, they'll forget. And it's not their fault they don't
remember to call you. Perhaps it's because you forgot to call first. I
fear I've perhaps jeopardized some of my best relationships because of
my naivete. By God's grace, He'll keep them in my life.
Well...done for now. Thank you to all of my wonderful, beloved friends.
Rodelyn
